The "If Onlys..." Silenced By God's Grace

When the noisy clamoring of all the "If Onlys..." in my life, drown out the glorious symphony of God's faithfulness to me, I am left feeling quite hopeless and helpless...

But that is when God steps in.

He is a lot louder in a very quiet way...as all the "If Onlys" are silenced by His grace.

          In these quiet evening hours before I surrender to sleep, I set my fingers to type and my mind to organize the little thoughts that have shaped my day. I love the "grace moments" of life, when I stop rushing about in such a flurry of busyness and worry, and just drink in God's faithfulness. Sometimes these moments seem to overtake me kind of like the disciples when they were quite overtaken by the storm. As they set their sights on crossing the Sea of Galilee the awful storm gathered and threatened to swallow them alive; but in an instant, Jesus spoke a word and a quiet peace whispered God's wonder and faithfulness into their hearts! In these "grace moments," the snapshots of God's faithfulness throughout my life flood into my mind as sweet memories. God's faithfulness seems to echo and resound deeply and clearly in my heart:

I AM with you...

I AM your rock...

I AM your strong tower...

I AM your Savior...

I AM your defender...

I AM your hiding place..

I AM your strength...

I AM all you need!

         At the same time that the beautiful melody of God's faithfulness floods deeper than my eardrums, so deep that it touches my very heart, the awful "If Onlys..." also start raising their ugly clamoring voices inside me. I have finally reached a place of beautiful peace and joy, but being the perfectionist that I am, I look back and start feeling the weight of regret. 

If only I had enjoyed God's faithfulness last week when I was struggling with worry about Fidele's visa...if only I had not spent so much time doubting God and living in such fear this year as I have struggled to get qualified at work...if only I had such beautiful faith that matches the beauty of God's faithfulness...if only I had spent my time more focused on digging deeper into my Bible and knowing God instead of letting the clouds of discouragement darken my days....if only I was a better picture of Jesus at work...I only I didn't have so many failings...

The beauty of God's faithfulness is replaced with my obsession with my own perfection, or lack there of. Indeed it would seem that a few quick sweeps of my mind would rid these ugly "If Onlys..." from their place, but I find that they are more like deep-rooted weeds and not so much like puffs of dust. It would all seem so hopeless if God was not the one in control; because in the midst of my great hopelessness He steps in...in His kind and gentle way. He does not rush in with loud shouts, but his quietness seems louder than all the self-obsorbed clamoring in my mind. He simply comes and holds me in His arms. He takes my trembling hand in His own nail-pierced hand. His grace silences my foes. His grace reminds me of His love. His grace is the reason why I can live without regrets because Jesus took my sin and my failure upon Himself as He died in my place. Then He came back to life because His sacrifice was accepted, and now I am His friend. My sins are gone, and so are all the "If Onlys..." but still they seem to come alive in a ferocious vengence in my mind, but God's grace silences them all. 

Maybe little scattered thoughts come together to share heart lessons as I end another day. God's faithfulness shines like the blazing stars in this dark night tonight. A beautiful song of grace erupts as I remember God's hand leading me in the past, and now cling to His hand to lead me on in the future.