Bed Time Thoughts ~

...Because The Hellos Are Just So Wonderful!

I remember that night. All of us kids stuffed into one big hotel bed! There were other beds...but we all wanted to be together, for as long as we could. We knew that the morning would bring the hard reality of how bad saying goodbye would hurt.

Now as I sit here tonight, a little more than two years later, I remember all the goodbyes. And I wonder, "why do they have to hurt so much?"

I think about the times that I returned to my boat in Seattle, WA after having such sweet times with my family. I remember how my heart ached, and how loneliness seemed to swallow me up...and I wonder, "why did that pain have to be so great?"

I look at all the lovely moments and it seems that they are always followed by painful ones and I wonder, "why?"

I still feel my heart breaking as I stood at the airport in Cameroon about to leave my Fiancé behind. I remember hugging him and then making my way through security, and then looking back for that one last wave and I just wonder, "why does it have to be this way?"

And as if God owes me something, my heart turns critical and cold.

As I wait for Fidele to come, the awful thought lingers in my mind..."What if we have to wait longer? What if Fidele's visa is delayed again?" And accusations fill my mind, "God we've waited so long already, why would you make us wait longer?!"

Self-pity gnaws at my heart..."God, this isn't the way engaged people are supposed to spend their entire engagement---APART! Why aren't you bringing us together because we know You can?"

Envy attacks inner being..."Look at those couples God! You have brought them together...why are you delaying so long for Fidele and I? We should have been married last month!"

Perhaps this is a bit of a sidetrack from where I started as I began with "goodbyes", but I think the two go together quite nicely. You see, these are all my human emotions welling up inside my heart. This is my flesh revolting against God's perfect plan unfolding. This is my weak human eyes squinting to make sense of the big picture God has for my life.

The Holy Spirit soothes and comforts. He whispers the Word in my heart and brings verses to my mind that I have read or memorized in days past. And He reminds me "why the goodbyes hurt so bad...".

You see the good byes hurt so bad because the hellos are just so wonderful! God is so kind in raining down torrents of blessings upon my life...He gives me time to go see my family and make memories with them. He makes those moments as I walk through the airport eagerly searching for some familiar faces so absolutely amazing! Then as we all embrace and laugh together and tell stories and just enjoy being together...God orchestrates everything to line up so that all this joy can explode like fireworks.

So when the goodbyes come...is the pain God's fault? Is He being cruel? Is He punishing me for something I have done?

Absolutely not! No...it is just the fact that God sends blessings but those blessings are for certain times...and they come to an end.

So what do we do? Rejoice. Give thanks. Turn the pain that is eating away at our hearts, into a joyous song to the Lord! Instead of becoming bitter that God's special blessing (whatever that may be) came to an end, we must stand in awe at God's faithfulness and kindness to bestow the blessing upon us in the first place!

This is what I am learning.

You see my life is a picture of something quite amazing. I mentioned earlier that in my self-pity, I cry out to God wondering, "Why? Couples aren't supposed to spend their entire engagement apart!. But maybe I am looking at it the wrong way...you see I shouldn't have even met Fidele in the first place because we were living in different countries, cotenants, speaking different languages, and about 8,000 miles apart(!!!!), let alone fall in love with him and make it through a year (and counting) engagement apart. You see there was no way I was going figure out a way to get time off and be able to jump through all of the hoops in order to go to Cameroon to visit Fidele, let alone get the 30 days off that I requested and have the most wonderful time meeting my Fidele for the first time in person! You see there was no way that I was going to be able to get all of Fidele's visa paperwork to him from the States without it getting lost in the mail and probably sinking to the bottom of the ocean, let alone find out that my dad's friend was going back to Cameroon at just the right time that we needed to send the paperwork!! You see all these things were not "supposed" to happen from my human perspective, but God had other plans.

God blessed me in so many ways. And as I sit here tonight in my cozy apartment, I am blown away by His faithfulness and kindness to me! You see God doesn't have to give us blessings...He has already given us JESUS!!...and yet He does. And He loves to do it too!

So maybe the reason that we have to go through so much pain sometimes in this life, is more because God's blessings are just so wonderful and it is so hard to see them come to an end.

But we can be sure of this...God is already planning on what His next blessing will be, so we better keep our eyes open!

So if you are in my shoes and just hate how hard the goodbyes are, or just are having a hard time like me waiting and wondering "when?" and "why" take heart! And focus on two things:

1.)Recount the lovely and amazing blessings God has bestowed upon you in the past...and give thanks to Him for each one!

2.)Look forward to the blessings He will bestow in the future!

And don't be so easily convinced that the hardship or struggle you may be going through right now is not a wonderful blessing from God ~ Flowers only grow after the rain!