The longing heart gasps for approval...this anxious heart of mine seems restless and discontented. Like exhausted wheels spinning, spinning, spinning in the mud; my heart seems to spin in place without much progress. As I seek ways to satisfy my longings with the appearance of what I long for, truly my heart can only be satisfied with Him. The Almighty One cannot be bought with rituals, traditions, and outward acts. I find this out more each new day. I know deep down, I really want Him. Yet the weight and pressure and sin inside me clamors at me and urges me to just put on the appearance of godliness. This way I will feel good...like I am being the Christian I should be. I don't have time to really delve deep into the authentic life of following after the Lord, so if I can just put on the appearance of following Him then at least I won't be weighed down by this guilt that I feel now.
And so here I am, longing to put on the appearance of godliness as I have always done before, but suddenly I am in a place where I no longer am able to do it. It scares me. I feel like I will slip away. As if my grip on faith and living holy to the Lord will weaken, and my life will spin out of control. These fears increase as I think of being a mama now. My longings for the appearance of godliness increase as I think of raising her. It somehow makes me feel like a better mama if I am doing the things that will make me look Christ like. Not that any of these things are wrong, but I know my heart and it is not truly entering in rightly, but out of a desire to be approved by others.
So as I sit quite lost and confused, a still small voices calls to me. Whispering to me to come away...come away from the clamoring voices inside my head, to come away from my desire to please others and be approved by them, to come away from the appearance of godliness, and hide myself in the Almighty One. Psalm 91 talks of this...He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will find rest in the Shadow of the Almighty. I need a changed and renewed heart; one that only the Lord can give. One that He fashions in hiding.
So I am left with the questions...will I only seek the Lord if it is in front of others so as to feel like I am being a good Christian? Will I only read the Word when it is with my family so as to feel like I am fulfilling my duty as a parent? Will I only pray if it is with my husband so as to feel like we have a strong marriage? Or will I come away with the Lord and hide myself in Him? Yes I long to know the Lord, but only through His grace can I come away and be hidden in Him so as to overcome my intense struggle to be approved by others in my Spiritual walk with the Lord.
And so here I am, longing to put on the appearance of godliness as I have always done before, but suddenly I am in a place where I no longer am able to do it. It scares me. I feel like I will slip away. As if my grip on faith and living holy to the Lord will weaken, and my life will spin out of control. These fears increase as I think of being a mama now. My longings for the appearance of godliness increase as I think of raising her. It somehow makes me feel like a better mama if I am doing the things that will make me look Christ like. Not that any of these things are wrong, but I know my heart and it is not truly entering in rightly, but out of a desire to be approved by others.
So as I sit quite lost and confused, a still small voices calls to me. Whispering to me to come away...come away from the clamoring voices inside my head, to come away from my desire to please others and be approved by them, to come away from the appearance of godliness, and hide myself in the Almighty One. Psalm 91 talks of this...He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will find rest in the Shadow of the Almighty. I need a changed and renewed heart; one that only the Lord can give. One that He fashions in hiding.
So I am left with the questions...will I only seek the Lord if it is in front of others so as to feel like I am being a good Christian? Will I only read the Word when it is with my family so as to feel like I am fulfilling my duty as a parent? Will I only pray if it is with my husband so as to feel like we have a strong marriage? Or will I come away with the Lord and hide myself in Him? Yes I long to know the Lord, but only through His grace can I come away and be hidden in Him so as to overcome my intense struggle to be approved by others in my Spiritual walk with the Lord.
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