The Ache of Waiting

 

"Cast not away your confidence because God defers his performances. That which does not come in your time, will be hastened in his time, which is always the more convenient season. 

God will work when he pleases, how he pleases, and by what means he pleases.

 He is not bound to keep our time, but he will perform his word, honor our faith, and reward them that diligently seek him."

--

Matthew Henry

  

As I watch another day pass by, the ache of waiting grows deeper in my heart. I still have not heard any new news on Fidele's visa, but I hold out hope that I might hear something any day now. The Lord is teaching me hard lessons on waiting. He is also teaching me that my life and Fidele's life are in His hands. I wish that all would happen in my timing, but God's timing is best. So I hold on and press on and some how move along through this day. The Lord is very gracious because I don't feel like any of this, but in His grace He does not stop loving me. Rather, God's love seems to shine deeper and higher and louder than ever even as the ache of waiting hurts more and more. I do not know what the Lord is doing in me, but He sure does know and that is enough for me. God knows what He is doing and He's got the timing in His hands.

The "If Onlys..." Silenced By God's Grace

When the noisy clamoring of all the "If Onlys..." in my life, drown out the glorious symphony of God's faithfulness to me, I am left feeling quite hopeless and helpless...

But that is when God steps in.

He is a lot louder in a very quiet way...as all the "If Onlys" are silenced by His grace.

          In these quiet evening hours before I surrender to sleep, I set my fingers to type and my mind to organize the little thoughts that have shaped my day. I love the "grace moments" of life, when I stop rushing about in such a flurry of busyness and worry, and just drink in God's faithfulness. Sometimes these moments seem to overtake me kind of like the disciples when they were quite overtaken by the storm. As they set their sights on crossing the Sea of Galilee the awful storm gathered and threatened to swallow them alive; but in an instant, Jesus spoke a word and a quiet peace whispered God's wonder and faithfulness into their hearts! In these "grace moments," the snapshots of God's faithfulness throughout my life flood into my mind as sweet memories. God's faithfulness seems to echo and resound deeply and clearly in my heart:

I AM with you...

I AM your rock...

I AM your strong tower...

I AM your Savior...

I AM your defender...

I AM your hiding place..

I AM your strength...

I AM all you need!

         At the same time that the beautiful melody of God's faithfulness floods deeper than my eardrums, so deep that it touches my very heart, the awful "If Onlys..." also start raising their ugly clamoring voices inside me. I have finally reached a place of beautiful peace and joy, but being the perfectionist that I am, I look back and start feeling the weight of regret. 

If only I had enjoyed God's faithfulness last week when I was struggling with worry about Fidele's visa...if only I had not spent so much time doubting God and living in such fear this year as I have struggled to get qualified at work...if only I had such beautiful faith that matches the beauty of God's faithfulness...if only I had spent my time more focused on digging deeper into my Bible and knowing God instead of letting the clouds of discouragement darken my days....if only I was a better picture of Jesus at work...I only I didn't have so many failings...

The beauty of God's faithfulness is replaced with my obsession with my own perfection, or lack there of. Indeed it would seem that a few quick sweeps of my mind would rid these ugly "If Onlys..." from their place, but I find that they are more like deep-rooted weeds and not so much like puffs of dust. It would all seem so hopeless if God was not the one in control; because in the midst of my great hopelessness He steps in...in His kind and gentle way. He does not rush in with loud shouts, but his quietness seems louder than all the self-obsorbed clamoring in my mind. He simply comes and holds me in His arms. He takes my trembling hand in His own nail-pierced hand. His grace silences my foes. His grace reminds me of His love. His grace is the reason why I can live without regrets because Jesus took my sin and my failure upon Himself as He died in my place. Then He came back to life because His sacrifice was accepted, and now I am His friend. My sins are gone, and so are all the "If Onlys..." but still they seem to come alive in a ferocious vengence in my mind, but God's grace silences them all. 

Maybe little scattered thoughts come together to share heart lessons as I end another day. God's faithfulness shines like the blazing stars in this dark night tonight. A beautiful song of grace erupts as I remember God's hand leading me in the past, and now cling to His hand to lead me on in the future.

Open Hands

          Before I can enjoy and experience the blessings and gifts that my Heavenly Daddy loves to shower upon me and all of His other children, I must first open my hands...

~

          Clenched fists. Fear. Grasping for control. A sigh escapes my tight lips, and suddenly I feel so tired; so exhausted from trying to keep all the pieces of my life together. As another gust of cold, angry wind blows into my life, my fists tighten fiercer than ever to the crumpled pieces of life that my little hands cling to with unmatched strength. A pair of cynical eyes catch a quick glimpse heavenward before burrowing deep inside the worn jacket---the jacket that offers me a small comfort from the raging wind, which refuses to let up. Doubt begins to permeate my body. I wonder where my daddy has gone. He said he would never leave me, but now that promise seems so empty. I slump to the ground with my fists clenched tightly. I hug my legs to my body for warmth, but I find little to give me renewed hope. I take one more quick peak up into the angry sky; only to be reminded how awful my lots is.
          The wind calms down, and I sigh again out of relief. Maybe I would have a few moments of peace before the next gust of wind pounds me. I rub my wet eyes with my fists so I can see better as I cautiously open my little hands. I am very careful because at any moment another gust of wind might come and blow away my precious treasures. I smile faintly, but also feel a stab of pain as I look down at my treasures lying so crumpled and disfigured on the ground. At least I still had them all, even if they look all messed up. I took a quick inventory of my crumpled collection: hmmmm yes, family especially the little ones...I couldn't bear to see anything ever happen to them. I must keep them safe, protect them from all this wind, and yes even protect them from...Daddy. Let's see, yes, here's Fidele, so far so good...he's not gone off and done anything too dangerous. It is not easy to hang on so tightly, but I will at least not have to worry about living without him. My reputation...hmm, O I wish I could get a little bit of polish to get these smug marks off, but its better to have smug marks than to have someone else scratching or denting it. My plans are all safe, yes...the one year, two year, five year...hmmm maybe the retirement one needs a little mending. I think I crumpled this one a little too much. My appearance, oh if only I had a mirror, well at least I am not as bad as others I have seen along the way. Yes, yes well I think I have them all still...O wait! Yes, my godliness! Here it is! Oh it still has a bit of shine in it still. And on went my musings and counting for what seemed like hours.
          A sharp pain struck my eyes so quickly and awfully. I could not even see for a few moments. I hovered over my treasures, crazily trying to pick them all up while my eyes recovered. A cry escapes my lips as my task seems so meaningless. Little, crumpled scrapes of my life begin to dance in a playful breeze. Oh no! No, I should not have let go! I scurry around faster now. A hand rests on my shoulder as I freeze. Fear runs like a cold icicle down my back, my mind wonders if I dare even look up into the face of the person in front of me.
          "Sara."
          I did not expect the voice to hold such kindness. I peak up as tears fall down my dirty cheeks and my little fists close even more tightly over my treasures.
          "Sara, come to me."
          Suddenly I know the voice of this one before me. The kindness and the authority so filled with love and truth that even my little mind cannot mistake his identity. I inch forward, feeling ashamed, and timid. You see this is my daddy.
          "Sara, what is in your hands?" His question was filled with compassion.
          His question fills me with anger. I know he only asks me because he wants to take away my treasures. A tear runs down my cheek and then another. "I don't want you to know." I sputter through my sobs.
          "Sara, come here," His voice is gentle and inviting. "Come here my little girl."
          "Oh but you will take away my treasures!" I finally cry and let out my bitter accusation. "I don't want to let them go. They are all I have. And soon this awful wind will take them away, but as long as I can hold on to them, that is exactly what I want to do."
          He didn't say anything, but instead sat down next to me. "I love you, Sara." He smiles down at my dirty, teary face.
          "I don't understand!" I sob harder. "I thought that life would be filled with joy because you're my daddy. I don't feel so much joy right now." I wiped my nose on my sleeve and sniffled.
          "I thought that you would shower me with blessings and good things. But all I feel is this terrible wind coming at me, taring everything that I love away from me. I am so tired from holding on to this life. I don't think I have strength to get through one more moment."
          "Then, Sara, let go of this life." He spoke so kindly but pointedly.
          "What! But than all the good things I have will be taken!"
          "Sara, I am your Daddy, I love you no matter what, but if you come to me with your hands closed than I can never fill them with good things. Sara, if you always live in fear that I will take this life away from you than how can I ever truly give you the real life that I made you for? Sara, when your fists are clenched, my love will not stop, but you will not be able to experience the joy that I have for you."
         My lips quiver as I wrestle with these hard words.
         "Sara, when you are clinging to this life, you are not able to cling to me. I will never let you go, but you will have so much more joy if you just hold on to me."
          My fists fell down at my side. I peer down at them, and I look at the little pieces of life sticking out from in between my fingers.
          "All you have, Sara, is a bunch of crumpled pieces of life that will not last. Open your hands my little girl and let me fill them instead."
          I gulp deeply and gaze from my daddy back down to my hands. "But what about my treasures?" I whisper.
          His smile sent sun rays dancing. "Sara, I have your life in my hands. I have your family's lives in my hands too.Entrust them to me, Sara. For everything else, look to me to be your all."
          "What about what everyone else will think?"
          "Sara, all that matters is what I think. My thoughts of you go farther than the night sky, deeper than the ocean depths, farther than the west and east part ways, and higher than the sky. My thoughts, Sara, are filled with love for you because you are my little girl. That is what matters to me and I want that to be what matters to you too. I love you, Sara."
          An inward battle plays out as the breezes dance and sway. I hesitantly stand up and lift my hands a little bit with my fists clenched tight. I look into my daddy's eyes once again before closing my own. I bite my lip as I slowly open my hands. Without warning a gust of wind picks my treasures up and blows them away. I almost cry, but I turn to find my daddy standing near me. I lift my hands up to him---open. He fills my empty hands with his own.
          "Come on my little one, let us continue walking heavenward."
         

Perspective

 

Hints of light orange haze melt into the horizon as dark clouds continue to move along by a steady breeze. I shiver and sip my tea, happy to watch the sun rise from the warmth of the indoors. Thick puffs of sea fog, which cling to the water, roll along too outside my window as I write, casting mysterious shadows over Friar Roads---separating the US from Canada. Little pink smudges capture my eyes as darkness breaks. I smile and think of that verse in the Psalms, I believe it is Psalm 19:1, “The heavens declare the glory of God, the sky proclaims the work of His hands.”

I am caught between the real and the unreal---but which is which? The seen and the unseen. The temporary and the eternal. I witness beauty. I stand in mouth-open wonder. Questions teeter in my mind.

What (or who) causes the sun to rise each morning and set each night? Why does the moon sleep during the day and show himself at night. How do I know the wind so well in a bitter, joyous way, when I have never even seen him with my eyes? What is the purpose of such awful cold in Maine when the day begins so frigid and uninviting? Or what is the purpose of such nauseating heat in the desert city of Maroua in Cameroon, Africa, which causes people to seek a refuge from the blazing sun?

How can all these things be so beautiful and yet so terrible? So breathtaking and yet life threatening? So similar and yet so opposite?

Where does the real and unreal meet? Where does the temporary and eternal part ways?

What is the meaning of all of this that we see, and how do we grapple with what we do not see?

 

 

 I suppose the answer is not so much found in words, but in perspective. All seems so real and permanent on this earth, when seen through glassy-human eyes. Yet when God lends us His, we are caught off guard by the stark contrast.

I sit here so small compared to the world around me, and then imagine the universe on top of that! When viewed from a higher perspective, my questions find their answers.

Hours pass by, and now the sun has passed the halfway mark of noon and is making its slow descent…or is it fleeting? I sit on my bed watching trucks drive by as fisherman still brave the cold to attempt to pull in a catch before the days end. Even the bitter cold does not cause people to stop from the busyness that seems to grip life. No time seems to ever be available to ponder questions and search for answers. Perspective on earth clouds as life crowds in or perhaps that is the earthly perspective: Life seen through self-tainted eyes.

All of creation calls us to rise above this self-tainted perspective and instead see it through the eyes of its Creator. Soar on the wings of the wind, above the earth and beyond our Milky Way Galaxy and a new perspective takes shape; the sun no longer revolves around the earth, but the earth revolves around the sun. The sun no longer rises nor sets, but the earth continuously spins in orbit. The moon no longer sleeps, but sheds its reflective light on the portion of earth that it sees. As we ride the wind back to the earth below, we see that though the wind is invisible, it cannot-not be seen. As we witness all that the wind touches we see the impact it makes and know its reality. We feel its power against our skin; we hear its whistling through the trees, we cannot deny its existence.

Milky Way Galaxy

I smile and know that the mystery of God is similar. I cannot see the Lord, but I see His fingerprints all over my life, all over creation, and all over history. The great I AM is not the one who revolves around our whims but all things revolve around him. He is the source, the giver of life. I need a new perspective---a “Jesus Perspective.” Jesus Christ walked on this earth as the God-man. He walked in our shoes, but he did not see life through our eyes. Now we must continually decide to walk each new day in his shoes and see life through his eyes.

As the afternoon wanes, some questions seem answered…maybe only the beginning of a poor answer…but so many are left unanswered. But this makes life fun and interesting. Grappling with hard things makes us better thinkers and better life-livers. So maybe as my thoughts close for now, I will take with me the challenge of perspective. The words from that old hymn by Helen H. Lemmel fill my mind with sweet melody:

“Turn your eyes upon Jesus,
Look full in His wonderful face,
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim,
In the light of His glory and grace.”