Brisk, cool air meets me as I swiftly make my way out to the Station's front gate to lock up for the night. I stop. My gaze turns toward the heavens. Small teeny-tiny dots of light shine down amidst the veil of darkness that cloaks the world around me. These rulers of the night faithfully carry out their God given purpose without faltering. As I gaze up with wide open-eyed wonder, a new miracle begins to take place in my life. This grace inspired and enabling open-eyed wonder---which has blossomed in my soul with the joy of thanksgiving to the Lord---has also given me courage and power to live in open-handed trust. For how can I not trust the one who loves me and is the Giver of all good gifts---and all His gifts are good? In 1 John 4:18, John notes that perfect love drives out fear.
Sin robs us of the joy of enjoying God's gifts and when we live in fear we live with closed eyes to God's beauty and His love. Oh, but step out in faith with open eyes, and as the day dawns God will amaze us with His love! This love, which has no equal, cannot be measured or fully understood for it is far more lovely than I can ever express, and it has no end!
You see all of God's gifts are given for a purpose and a time to point us back to the Giver, and as we abide in God's love with open eyes, we will learn to trust and live with open hands, which will be ready to receive from God the blessings He gives and also willing and ready for Him to take as He sees fit.
Sometimes He gives gifts we do not really want, sometimes He takes gifts we do not want Him to take, and sometimes He leaves our hands empty as we wait for the gifts we long for Him to give. But as we know His love, we walk in trust that He is wise and knows what is best.
Oh, how I have enjoyed His gifts! Wonderful sun bathed mornings! Surprise trips to see my family! Glorious moments with my fiance in Cameroon! Fun times of just plain old laughing, which does my heart good. These are all lovely gifts that I long to receive from God, but it is so hard when they come to an end. But by the very nature that these are gifts means that I should rejoice when they are given and when they end---and in the thanksgiving my eyes will look back to the Giver and the gift will have accomplished its purpose.
When I live with closed hands---fists clenched tightly---I may think that I am saving myself from the pain of losing what God may take away or be spared the hurt of watching God's gifts come to an end or not have to go through the difficulty of waiting for God to fill my empty hands, but really I am only keeping myself from the joy of knowing God fully and enjoying His love.
I have never really experienced the pain of God taking. I awoke this morning with new strength and vigor to face my new day, but I wondered what it would be like to struggle with physical suffering and to face health problems. I have not endured that kind of taking from God nor have those who are closest to me had to endure that kind of pain yet. I have not experienced the shock of losing a loved one suddenly. But I know those who have. The pain I feel for them surely cannot compare the pain that they feel. But what I have seen in their lives astounds me. I see the joy of an open-handed trust shining in their lives. The sorrow they pour out to God and the tears they shed do not go unnoticed. They are carried up on God's grace to soar above their sorrow. And I pray that I will have such an attitude when the Lord sees fit to take so that He can fill these open hands of mine with Himself.
Yet even though I have not faced this pain---living in thanksgiving with open eyes gives me courage to also live with open hands because I trust God. I know His love, and He is love. He is the greatest of all gifts---the gift He will never take away---the gift all others point to.
Right now I feel that I can best share my heart on what it is like to be waiting for the gifts I long for God to give. I am learning to wait with open hands day by day as Fidele and I wait for His visa paperwork to be approved. So many emotions build up in my heart. At times I live with closed fists because God is not giving me what I want. I want too have my Love near me. It is hard because for the past year of our engagement we have spent only one of those months together in person. I am impatient and tired of waiting, but God whispers to me, "Wait, My Child." Right now the visa service center has listed the K-1 visa (the one Fidele and I are waiting for) as a 5 month wait---Fidele and I have been waiting for almost 10 months!!! "How long, O Lord!" My soul cries. I do not want to wait any longer. But the Lord is teaching me and showing me that He knows best. When I live in openness and in thanksgiving, seeing my Fidele as a gift from God as he truly is---then how can I demand that God give me Fidele right now? God does not give us our demands, but He does give good gifts.
And something beautiful happens when my perspective is transformed by this truth. Instead of complaining about bad phone reception or poor Internet connections, instead of thinking about what I do not have, and instead of focusing on me and how bad I feel I am awakened to a million blessings that God has given me that I had not seen before because my eyes were closed! I receive a million blessings I did not have before because my hands were closed!!! This past week has been hard because Fidele does not have any Internet connection nor do we know when He will be able to get any. We have also had problems with his phone because for some reason my phone suddenly is no longer able to call his. So I feel like we have truly been in the dark. But yesterday I had a whole 82 seconds to talk to my Fidele! What a blessing and gift from God! If I was living with closed hands, I would not be rejoicing right now in those 82 seconds rather I would be complaining because we didn't get to talk longer, but when I live with open-handed trust my world explodes with joy from an 82 second phone call from my Love! How the world is transformed by God's grace. And that is only one example.
Open eyes see God's beauty and free our lips to sing His praise in thanksgiving. This thanksgiving opens our eyes wider to see God's love and kindness, and God's love teaches us to trust Him so that we can live with open hands ready for the Lord to give and take in His perfect time. This kind of open-handed trust takes courage, but I think it is the only way for us to live and experience God's love to the fullest.
So my challenge for this day is to live with open hands, trusting in the Lord. I may not know what a day may bring, but I do know the one who holds my life in His hands and He loves me with an undying love!
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